Mama’s Never-Would-I-Ever List

The longer I’m a parent, the more I find myself doing or talking about things I never expected.

Case in point: in George’s early days, when I was still figuring out how to feed a tiny human with my own body, his diaper quit functioning. As warm pee seeped into my shirt, I remember decidedly not moving because we’d finally gotten a good latch. My new life motto? Skin can be cleaned!

And so, here’s a list of those “never would I ever” activities that have become a part of my everyday life. I apologize if these are too gross for normal people, as I am now completely out of touch with your side of the world:

1. If a little someone hands me a booger, I put it in my pocket if a napkin is not readily available. I do this because that little someone is normally telling me to “wipe it on your pants.”
2. I cover someone else’s sneezes.
3. I find joy in picking someone else’s nose, even with that someone else is fighting like a wrangled banshee.

4. 

   My husband and I use code words like “white stuff” or “crack” to describe milk.

5. See a loose Cheerio on the floor? Assume someone will be by to snack. Good source of iron.
6. I’m not too bothered by wiping crumbs off a baby’s mouth and depositing said crumbs into my own mouth if I have no other way of cleaning up.
7. To encourage a bowel movement, I bear hug a screaming toddler with my body weight.
8. As a result of a bowel movement, I shower said toddler with sugar.
9. Winnie the Pooh (2011 version—the one with Craig Ferguson as Eeyore) is one of my favorite movies (a step behind The Lego Batman Movie).
10. I give the toddler for which I’m responsible sugar because it’s funny to watch him run in circles.
11. I go to the gym for the included childcare.

Yeah, I tried to come up with a more even number, but it’s nap time, and Mama’s got a book to read.

Please tell me that I’m not the only one! What do you do for your kids that you said you’d never do in your pre-kid declarations? Come on—I know you have them too.

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